During this brief space in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I am mentally preparing myself for the intriguing questions about my singlehood that were or were not addressed during the first run through over turkey. Last week, I made an admit to explain why it is really okay to be alone and I thought it would be interesting to state the reasons why I think I would not be ready for a relationship right now since it baffles so many people that I am not spoken for (I’m just as confused by this as you). So here we go:
I am not ashamed of my schedule even if it literally pisses me off every night around 11PM. There are many times where I just want to take a dose of fuck it and the thought of adding someone to that lineup irritates my soul. I am the person with the bright idea to have three work schedules (one that pays the bills, one that pays the saving account and hobbies, and one that is my true passion) where, sometimes, the only day that I have to myself is Sunday. With my overly attentive Mother, slightly annoyed friends, and my lonely cat, I have to split my time multiple ways in order to make everyone happy.
And to add another person to that would not only be grossly unfair but unnecessarily difficult for me. Call me weird but I think the point of being in a relationship with someone is to spend time with that person. Unless, they want to sign a contract for sleeping/cuddling purposes and random outings that are prearranged several weeks in advance. That would be cool actually…
I am also not ashamed to admit that I am still in my self discovery stage. Though, I am a firm believer in constant learning throughout your life span, a general sense of self is required to function properly. And I’m not really functioning properly right now. How? Because I still seek validation constantly, hold others’ opinion as truth, and have an overwhelming feeling of being lost.
People often say that you lose yourself in relationships but how do you lose yourself when you never found it? Do you just bend in with the habits and beliefs of that person? Or do you discover what it means to be yourself through that person? Quite frankly, I don’t want to place that responsibility on anyone or have it placed on me. So stepping back seems like the best option for me right now.
Whenever I think of self-esteem, my mind automatically hears Katt Williams saying “It’s esteem of your motherf**king self.” (this video has excessive language that some may deem as inappropriate, you have been warned)
It is not the responsibility of another person to provide you with confidence. Yes, a belief and praise are required in every relationship but the first person who should have your back is the person staring at you in the mirror, your star player if you will. In the act of taking things personal and listening to negativity all my life, I have created the insecurities that I feel and I alone am the one that will destroy the myths I hold true about myself.
And no, I’m not saying that one day you will wake up and have no insecurities whatsoever. And yes, it is still possible to be with someone when you feel down about yourself. The problem lays in how much you believe in the myth and how long you will continue to suffer in your own pain.
Unrealistic Expectations… sorta of
Like every other girl you have met, I was raised on Disney movies and the “save a hoe” complex that the media feeds us everyday. From an early age, we, as women, are either taught that a guy will save us from unforeseen doom or that a man is something you should fear and deem unworthy. My upbringing fell on the fence: raised by an independent career woman who had no time for a man and my love for fantasy and romance novels (started reading those at ten… while making my dolls hump each other). So naturally I’m confused! I
have had a list of requirements for my ideal husband: tall, geeky guy with a Lenny Kravitz vibe who makes six figures. And I actually found him. But guess what? It didn’t work out for number of reasons, two being my unrealistic notion that he was meant to save me and my placement of requirements on someone I had only known for 3 weeks.
Lists and fantasies are meant for groceries and little girls, not for a living breathing person. People are walking flaws and they are not going to fit every little category that you birthed up in your mind. And you’re not going to be the perfect person yourself.
Now, I will say this. Some of my so called “unrealistic expectations” are quite justified but are regarded wrong by people are essentially broken. Broken from relationships. Broken from family drama. Broken by the world around them. Expectations such as trust, honesty, communication, and loyalty are not unrealistic qualities to look for in a person. And should not be overlooked because “that’s just how the world works” or “you have to put up with the bad to get to the good.” I’m sorry but I’m not down for that manipulation, not even from myself.
“When was the last time he called me?” “Why doesn’t he see how much I care?” “Why doesn’t he give me gifts?” I’m noticed something about myself that is ruining every relationship that I have: the concept of me. Every question revolves around “me,” every person is out to get “myself,” and every sentence begins with “I.” The overall selfishness and woe is me are really pathetic at this point. To the moment when I get mad at people for not understanding why I am mad because I assume they get it. I’m nuts…
Although, there are exceptions to every situation (yes, you should start wondering why you are the only person working in a relationship), relationships consist of two people working together to become a united front. Not one benefiting from the other.
Really take a moment to yourself when you start to question what the other person has done for you. Are you expecting something from your kind gesture? Do you feel entitled to something that the other person will not or is not ready to give? Because the act of loving someone is not measured in what they can do for you, but what you can offer to them, to your relationship without the expectation of something in return.
So, why are you single?
Read more of my rants and stories on being single under Single Stories. As always, make you sure you like, comment, and follow this blog as well as connect with me on my other channels. Links can be found on my main page.